"Tony" (Episode 1.01)

"Tony" is the pilot episode of Skins and the first episode of Series 1.

The episode primarily focuses on Tony Stonem and his relationships with his girlfriend Michelle Richardson, choir member Abigail Stock, his friends (predominately his best friend Sid Jenkins), and his family (including his sister Effy Stonem).

Plot
Tony lays in his bed with the quilt decorated with two headless naked bodies pulled right up to his chin. The alarm goes off, so Tony puts on his music and gets out of bed. He starts by doing a few stretching exercises, followed by push-ups and sit-ups. He then lifts some weights out to his sides then in front before finishing with some pull-ups. He admires himself in the mirror as his sister, Effy, walks up the street after another late night. Tony’s watch alarm beeps and with a smile he opens the curtains and looks out towards the upstairs windows of a house across the street. It doesn't take long before he sees what he wants; a dark haired woman undresses in front of her window. She knows he’s watching and gives him a quick glance over her shoulder.

Approaching the front door, Effy sees Tony and the woman at their windows. She tries to get Tony’s attention but he’s totally engrossed with watching the woman, who is now picking out clothes. She finally gets his attention, motioning for him to create a distraction while she sneaks in. Using the remote control, he turns the music system up to maximum volume. Immediately, his dad starts shouting from behind the bedroom door trying to get him to turn it down. Tony signals to Effy that it’s safe to come in just as his dad bursts in, turning the air blue, as Tony lies that the music system is broken again. As he rants on, Effy makes it to her room, where she undoes the fake Effy made out of pillows she left in her bed to make it look like she was still there. She quickly gets changed into school uniform as the music continues to blare out of Tony’s room. As soon as his dad gives up and leaves, Tony switches the music off and picks out a top to wear for the day.

In the bathroom, Tony sits on the toilet reading ‘Nausea’ while his dad pulls at the door handle trying to get in as he needs to go. Turning the air blue again, he kicks the door and goes away. Tony then finishes on the toilet, brushes his teeth and with brush still in his mouth, climbs out of the window and slides down the drainpipe, letting himself in through the front door. In the kitchen he finishes brushing and sit down for breakfast next to his sister as his dad still bangs on the locked bathroom door. Tony pours himself some cereal as his dad comes into the kitchen to complain about him to his mother. Noticing Tony sat there, he’s, for once, speechless, but Tony chimes in that the lock is broken again and he’ll have to use the drill from under the sink to get in. Calling him a “complete James Blunt”, his dad gets the drill from under the sink. His exasperated swearing gets a wide grin out of Tony, having succeeded in annoying his dad yet again and it’s still only breakfast. Tony leaves for school as drilling noises can be heard coming from upstairs, accompanied by the usual swearing of course. As soon as he’s out of the house, Tony gets on his mobile and calls his best friend Sid.

Sid is still in bed in the most untidy room imaginable. Sid tells the phone to “fuck off” while Tony supplies his own insults as he walks down the street. Sid’s answer phone says he’s asleep or ill. Tony tells Sid’s answer phone that he’s a turd and they have plans concerning his cock. He hangs up with Sid’s answer phone and calls Chris, but gets his answer phone as well. Next he calls Jal, and actually gets a response from a person not a machine. She was practicing her clarinet playing, but Tony asks if she can go and wake Sid up. She objects, saying he’s half a mile away, but Tony gets another call and leaves her on the line. The other call is from Michelle, Tony’s girlfriend, whom he calls ‘Nips’, much to her annoyance. He says he calls her that because her nipples are hilarious. He reminds her that she agreed to help with Sid’s “virgin thing”.

She didn't think he was serious, but Tony says he nominated her to help out. Before she can say anything else, Chris calls back. Chris is also still in bed, with a girl. He says he’s ‘busy’ and can’t go get Sid at the moment. Walking by the railway track, Tony continues trying to convince Michelle to help Sid. Apparently Sid can’t be a virgin on his 17th birthday or he can’t be Tony’s friend. Unfortunately, Tony tells all this to Jal who is still on the line. Making the best of his, Tony asks if she can help instead. She says he needs someone deaf blind and stupid for that. Before hanging up, she also tells him to stop calling Michelle ‘Nips’. He tries to explain but is cut off. Going back to Michelle, he finds that she has decided to help Sid. Tony has her meet him in the café later so they can plan it for the party tonight.

In a mosque, Anwar joins his family and neighbours in their morning prayers when his phone starts ringing. He discreetly tries to answer it. Unsurprisingly it’s Tony, but before they can talk he is pulled up by his ear and thrown out for disturbing the prayers. He sarcastically thanks Tony for that, but finds he’s already hung up. On the bus, Tony has called Mr. Jenkins, Sid’s dad, to tell him Sid has a sociology test in 10 minutes. Before he can finish, Mr. Jenkins explodes and marching into Sid’s room and gets him up with a mouthful of abuse and the phone aimed directly at his head. Answering the phone, Tony tells Sid to meet him at the café. Getting his attention, and that of two women on the bus, with talk of virgins, Tony puts them on hold to talk to Anwar, who has called back to continue his sarcastic thanks. Tony asks if he’s coming to Sid’s de-cherrying party, but Anwar says he’s going to Maxxie’s ‘big-gay-night-out’, despite neither of them being gay.

The logic behind it is that there will apparently be lots of women there, but the only straight men to shag will be Chris and Anwar. Tony, getting desperate for people to be at his party, calls Maxxie, who’s currently in a tap dancing lesson. Maxxie is going on the big-gay-night-out as well as the only one who is actually gay. Tony tries to get Maxxie to stop tap dancing so he can hear himself think, but Maxxie carries on, saying he has to learn the moves for the show. Although ‘Death Of A Salesman’ doesn’t usually involve tap, Maxxie believes it needs a number. They agree to meet on the green before psychology and hangs up. Tony calls Sid back, who has since become bored and is ‘entertaining’ himself with a copy of “Asian Fanny Fun”. Tony just tells him to meet him at the café in 20 minutes.

In the café, Sid drinks a can of pop and eats a full English breakfast while Tony brings over a cup of tea. Tony explains his plan; tonight they go to a party and Sid finally gets de-cherried. Sid says it’s normal for someone his age to be a virgin, but Tony assures him it’s embarrassing – for him at least. Continuing with his plan, Tony says that at the party they’ll get a girl “catastrophically spliffed up” and in her moment of weakness, she’ll think Sid is good enough to shag. The lucky girl will be Michelle, Tony’s girlfriend and the girl Sid lusts after. Just then, Michelle arrives and sits down next to Tony after a long kiss. Asked who is stupid enough to shag Sid, Michelle suggests Cassie, but she’s still in hospital.

However, Michelle tells them they let her out, she just can’t handle knives. Tony thinks they’ll need drugs. An ounce should do as they can sell it at the party. Of course, Sid has to get it from a guy in Bradley Stoke who’ll sell on tick. Tony says he can’t go as he’s got tai-chi, choir auditions then psychology. Michelle assures him it’ll be worth it; Cassie is great in the sack as long as she’s not hungry. Sid agrees, and Tony gives him a card with the guys name and address. Sid gets up to leave noticing the guys name is “Mad Twatter”. Tony and Michelle are again too busy with each other to listen to his concerns about that being his actual name, so Sid just sighs and leaves.

In a school music room, Tony sings “On the Street Where You Live” while lots of girls look on, obviously finding Tony very attractive. Even the teacher playing the piano gives him a smile. Meanwhile on the bus, Sid looks at pictures of Michelle on his phone, but stops when he sees an old man looking over his shoulder at the pictures as well. Arriving in Bradley Stoke, Sid tries to find Twatter’s house. After finishing singing, the music teacher tells Tony, using his full name, Anthony, that they’d love to have him on the choir. He says he’s looking forward to it and goes to leave but is intercepted by a blonde girl. In a rather posh accent, she tells him that her friend think he’s “really cool, ya?” indicating the group of about 30 girls stood sheepishly in the corner. Tony tells her that he’ll be at her party tonight, with friends. The party will start at 8.30pm, as Miriam has to get back from her cello recital. Using his ringing phone as an excuse to escape the mad girl, Tony exits the music room. Walking back through the halls of the girl’s school, Tony asks Michelle if she’s got Cassie to come to the party. Judging by his language, she hasn't yet, but his dirty talk is noticed by the head of French of the girl’s school.

Tony tells the head of French that he’s here for an interview, which he doesn't believe and asks where he should be. Tony goes to the Roundview College across the green. The head of French gets all uppity, so Tony tells him he was actually here for choir rehearsal as he saw an ad for male parts. With a quip about his French teacher being called Pierre, Tony leaves, closing followed by a raving head of French. After losing the headmaster, Tony calls Sid again, asking if he’s found Twatter yet. Noticing a 4x4 with the registration “MD TW4T”, Sid thinks so. He approaches the door and knocks just as his phone rings again. As he tells the caller to “f*** off”, a scantily clad woman opens the door asking if he’s her 2.30. Sid’s caller is actually his mother, who he asks if he can ring back while he’s pulled inside the house by the woman. Turns out the house is small brothel and he’s asked if he’s here for the threesome.

Outside the girl’s school, Tony runs into a Big Issue seller. Tony tells the seller, Kenny, to get a job and asks about his holiday. Kenny complains about the crap 4-star hotel and the food. Tony goes over to and sits with his friends, Anwar, Maxxie, Chris and Jal on the green. This is the first time they've seen each other today. Chris tells him he’s wasting his time with the posh girls at the girl’s school; they don’t go for “town scum” like him. Tony replies with a quote from ‘Dawson’s Creek’, but Chris doesn't know what it is as he doesn't watch TV. He’s says TV is a waste of time and that pills and shagging are where it’s at. Jal tells Chris that no will shag him with a cock that tiny. Anwar tells him he should never have got it out at that game of poker, not least because he wasn't playing. They all get up to go to psychology with Angie the teacher. Tony asks if they’re coming to the party. They tell him that they can’t, mainly due to the big-gay-night-out. Realizing that they’ll have far too many drugs with so few people going, Tony tries to call Sid and get him to cancel the deal with Twatter but he doesn't answer.

At Twatter’s house, Sid sits on a couch as the woman paints her toe nails. She offers him a Coke, but he just asks if Twatter will be long. Apparently, Mad is his real first name but he doesn't like people staring at him as he’s “sensitive”. He particularly hates people staring at “it”, but she doesn't say what “it” is.

Back at school, Tony is still trying to call Sid to tell him not to get the drugs, but he’s forced to leave messages as Sid’s phone is switched off.

Just as he’s about to leave, Sid runs into Twatter who has finally come home. Immediately, Sid is drawn to the rather large comedy mustache that Twatter sports and starts staring at it. This upsets him, but he introduces himself as “Madison Twatter PhD”. Not knowing where to look, Sid thinks of something to say and asks about him being a doctor. Twatter gets defensive, asking who said he was a doctor and explains that “PhD” in his case stands for “Pretty Huge Dick” and burst into maniacal laughter. Getting down to business, Twatter asks if Sid wants to get laid. Sid almost gives the game away with his half-response but stops himself and asks for some splif instead. Twatter wants to see some money first, but Sid says he was told that he could pay later. He continues that he’d like an ounce, but Twatter says it’s 3 or nothing. He has 48 hours to pay Twatter his £300 for the drugs. Sitting very close to Sid, and moving closer every time he moves away, Twatter suddenly grabs Sid by the balls, saying they are his collateral.

In school, Jal is reading a report she has written aloud for the psychology group, making her teacher, Angie, cry louder with every sentence. Jal’s report is very close to home for Angie, being as it is about the failure of relationships. Chris tries to cheer her up by suggesting she stop dating Sport Science teachers. This seems to help, so he tries some more but is stopped by Jal before he cam finish saying how big the guy’s dick was. Angie pulls herself together a bit saying they’re so nice to her and asks that the coursework be in by next week. She then starts crying again as the kids leave as Chris comes over, saying that he could get back at the Sport Science teacher by saying he could say he touched him up in the showers. Angie seems to like the idea, but Chris is quickly dragged off by Jal. In the school corridor, Sid meets Tony and tells him he has the drugs.

Unfortunately, he didn't get Tony’s messages, and hears the arrive as he finally switches his phone on. Outside the psychology room, Angie breathes a sigh of relieve that the day is over, just as Chris comes around the corner asking if she’s alright. He offers to carry her books. Her phone rings and with her hands full of books, Chris answers it instead. It’s the Sport Science teacher, who Chris quickly tells to leave Angie alone, but is shot down when talk turns to his coursework. Angie thanks him, but says he shouldn't have. He takes her books and walks off down the corridor. Angie admires him as he walks away for a second, before remembering he’s one of her students.

That night, Sid and Tony arrive at Abigail’s house, which is a big mansion type place. Tony plans to sell the dope as “Mongolian hallucinogenic” stuff. Before Sid can explain what happened with the drugs, Michelle and Cassie arrive. Tony and Michelle immediately kiss, while Sid and Cassie just stare at each other. Cassie is reintroduced to Sid, who in her own slightly mad way, manages to say she doesn't remember him and insult his dress sense all at once. Tony asks how her treatment is going, and finds that she can now eat yoghurt, soup and hazelnuts. Saying that her progress is encouraging, Cassie gives Tony a big hug, almost knocking Michelle over in the process. Eventually they go in, but not before Sid lets them all know they have 3 ounces to sell, not one, and shows them the big bag of drugs to prove it. They knock on the door, which is opened by Abigail who is delighted to see Tony again. Upon being introduced, Cassie gives Abigail a big hug, taking her by surprise, and then runs off to find the kitchen. When they reach the living room, Abigail has them all take their shoes off as her mother just had the carpet imported from Iran. They remove their shoes, revealing that Sid is wearing holey, mismatched socks.

Abigail hands out the rum punch and then introduces them to the rest of her friends, Sara, Josh, Sara 2, Maddy, Felicia, Hugo, Sebastian, Sara 3, Sam and Sara 4. Abigail asks Sid if his name is Polish, and introduces him to her Polish friend, Danuta, a heavy-set girl dressed in black. Danuta eyes Sid up and down and comes over as Abigail tells him she doesn't speak English, but he can just talk to her in Italian or French, neither of which Sid speaks. In Italian, Abigail and Danuta end up saying how small Sid’s cock must be, but apparently she likes him. Danuta wanders off, so Tony asks Abigail if her and her friends would like a “little something”. Abigail says yes, but they have to go outside because the silk wallpaper from Rome would become smelly. Just then, ‘MC Hugo” gets on the microphone, saying he’s he’ll be the DJ, and managing to sound completely ridiculous by saying “shizzle” and “dizzle” in his posh accent. Everyone starts dancing, or somewhere close to it. Abigail, followed by Michelle then Tony, go off to join the dancing, leaving Sid on his own. Sid goes into the kitchen instead, finding Cassie going through the cupboards.

She’s looking at all the fancy food, but isn’t hungry; she just wants to arrange it with different types of food in different cupboards. Out of the blue, Cassie asks Sid if he’s going to f*** her later, taking him by surprise. Michelle has put her up to it, but Sid isn’t that bothered as he still has 3 ounces of weed to sell. Seeing Cassie upset, Sid gingerly kisses her on the cheek, getting a big grin from her and she invites him to keep her company for the rest of the night.

In a pub somewhere in town, the big-gay-night-out isn't going as well as expected. Aside from Chris, Maxxie and Anwar, there are a whole four people there, and one of those is the landlord. Maxxie apologizes, saying that he just wanted to show them his world. Both Anwar and Chris agree not to turn gay if this is what their parties are like. Apparently, it was better last week, as they had a dance team in. Chris gets up to leave, saying he’s going to find the party Tony went to. To get Maxxie to come along, he explains that it’s full of posh kids and all the boys are gay. Anwar asks about the girl, so Chris tells them everyone’s gay, which gets both of them to go with him.

Back at the party, it’s dawn as a couple make out on the lawn and Chris, Maxxie and Anwar arrive. It only took them 5 hours, 4 buses and 2 bottles of vodka to find. They go inside, and Chris picks up all the unattended mobile phones because their owners were “careless”. At the dance, the dancing has slowed down some, as the boys enter. Calling himself “the monkey man”, Chris strips down, while the others join the dancing. Outside behind the bushes, some loud moaning can be heard. It’s Cassie and Sid but, unfortunately for Sid, Cassie has found the trampoline. Inside, Abigail gets some unwelcome attention from a half naked Chris, who is unknowingly treading mud into the Iranian carpet. She tells him to “take them off”, referring to his shoes, but he takes his pants of instead. A fight soon breaks out, but Danuta is delighted the real men have arrived and strips down as well and takes Chris for a heavy make out session.

On the trampoline, Sid falls after jumping, and is kissed by Cassie. She says its no good that he fancies her, but really loves Michelle. Michelle told her that also as the situation is totally messed up as Tony doesn't love her properly, but she loves him and thinks Sid is sweet. After a brief mention of the clouds, Cassie asks him if he wants to do it now but he’ll have to be quick as she took “a shit load” of pills. She passes out. Sid drags her off the trampoline and carries her inside, where Maxxie is getting beaten up by some posh girls and the others are preparing to beat a hasty retreat. Outside on the front lawn, the group decides how best to get Cassie to hospital. While trying to get rid of Danuta, Chris discovers that she does speak English when she holds up some car keys and says “we steal car, then make fuck, English boy yes?”. Yes, is Chris’s reply.

Speeding down the street, Tony scares everyone as the Mercedes flies around corners while Chris and Danuta make out in the back. They nearly hit another car before pulling up outside the hospital, nearly hitting an ambulance for good measure. Tony tells them to take Cassie inside while he gets rid of the car just as Cassie wakes up. She says she had “such a lovely dream”. Leaving the hospital, they drive to the canal, where Anwar quickly gets out, having drunk too much at the party and now needing a piss. While they wait, Sid hands out the weed. Tony assures him they’ll sell it tomorrow instead. Anwar tells Tony not to watch him piss as he won’t be able to go, which just makes everyone else watch as well. In the fuss to get the splifs ready, Tony knocks the car into drive, and the car rolls into the canal with everyone still inside. Anwar, who’s just finished peeing, runs over to help as the car completely submerges. One by one, everyone pops their heads above the water, starting with Michelle and Cassie, then Sid, Tony and Maxxie. Unfortunately for Sid, the dope went down with the car, as did Chris and Danuta it seems. Then wet and bedraggled six walks back home.

The next morning, the naked woman on Tony’s street open her curtains for her usual display but finds Tony is, for once, not there ready to watch her. Her husband, the headmaster of the girl’s school, complains that she must want the neighbors to see her like that. Tony is still in bed, with Sid. Only now does Sid remember that Chris and Danuta were in the car. Tony is sure they got out though, but Sid is still a virgin.

Characters

 * Tony Stonem
 * Michelle Richardson
 * Sid Jenkins
 * Cassie Ainsworth
 * Chris Miles
 * Jal Frazer
 * Maxxie Oliver
 * Anwar Kharral
 * Effy Stonem
 * Abigail Stock
 * Angie
 * Tom Barkley
 * Mad Twatter
 * Jim Stonem
 * Andrea Stonem
 * Uncle Muneer

Music Featured in "Tony"
Note: The music tracks listed below only refer to the music featured in the episode's initial airing. Many of the music tracks featured in this episode have been substituted for alternative tracks either for the BBC America airing or for both the US and UK home media release of Series 1.

Chingy - "Right Thurr"

Napalm Death - "Finer Truths, White Lies"

Four Tet - "As Serious As Your Life"

Death in Vegas - "Dirt"

Barrington Levy - "Bounty Hunter"

The Game - "Drop Ya Thangs"

Chemical Brothers - "Star Guitar"

Lisa Stansfield - "All Around The World"

Derrick Harriot - "Monkey Ska"

The Fall - "Totally Wired"

Westside Connection - "Gangsta Nation"

Brendan Benson - "Flesh and Bone"

Roots Manuva - "Witness (One Hope)"

Unseen Skins: "I Mostly Do"
Shortly after Cassie returned from the clinic, she meets up with Michelle. There, Michelle offers Cassie a spliff, but she informs Michelle that she doesn't smoke any more because she no longer does anything that makes her hungry. Then, whilst Cassie and Michelle are walking, Michelle asks Cassie to do a favour. Cassie, without knowing what the favour is, agrees to it. Michelle then tells Cassie that Sid is in love with her and the she really needs Cassie to shag Sid. They then walk in to a wedding clothes shop. Where Cassie suggests that they try on the clothes; Cassie being Tony and Michelle herself. At which point the shopkeeper arrives at asks them to leave. Cassie tell the shopkeeper that Michelle is pregnant and that her man has chosen to do the right thing in marrying her. Cassie then tells Michelle to faint, and for the shopkeeper to fetch some water. She does this to get rid of the shopkeeper and so that they can try on the wedding clothes. They then run out, to the sound of wedding bells, where Michelle complains that they are "the most visible fugitives ever". To which Cassie replies that the shopkeeper was a nasty person and that her New Year's resolution is that "nasty people don't count" and that she is a new person.